23,250.

Overwhelmed, that’s what I am right now.

I guess you could say I had a very sudden outburst of anxiety and concern, better described as a panic attack. Yes, I suppose I did have one. I just remember staring into the soul of my laptop, trying to find the answer to the financial problem in my practice test. Shortly after, it snowballed. I don’t know what happened but I just felt like I couldn’t take any of this anymore. I just have so much things on my plate right now. I don’t know what to do with it. Frankly, I am quite stressed with everything. I think it’s mostly because of my finance class. Then again, there are seriously a lot of things going on in my head right now.

I can’t believe I’m still highly dependent on my parents. When am I able to just stand on my own two feet and support myself? I really need to be financially stable. I’ve been plagued with this thought for more than half a decade already. I need to attain financial stability. It’s not that I want to escape from my parents, or anything like. I just need them to spend money on themselves. Plus, I’m already 22. I need to start finding a job. I have to stop leeching off my parents.

With that being said, I need to save as much money as I could. I really do. I already feel bad for going out and having fun. Come on, I feel bad for eating out and watching a movie. Not to mention my alcoholic splurge that reached up to almost $25 that night. I know, $25 doesn’t seem a lot, but it all adds up. I have to stop spending. I am worried that I am on the verge of becoming broke. Not to mention all the trips that I’m planning to take this summer. Wow, I just hit a roadblock right there. I  just thought of how I am supposed to finance all of these things.

Funny, I was ranting all this to a friend a while ago. I told him that I should just go on these trips but just lock myself in the hotel room, and live off the dried mangoes my parents sent me. I mean, the only other way I can survive this financial drought is if I get financial aid this July, which is looking rather bleak. I am crossing my fingers as tight as I can that they might already snap into pieces. I need to get this scholarship. I am desperate.

On top of that, I have no idea what I’m doing with my life thus far. I feel like I’m throwing everything away. I feel like everything is turning into crap. I feel very overwhelmed with the sudden choices I made. Having my dad tell me, “looks like everything is going downhill for you,” does not help me whatsoever. It really does feel like everything is turning into shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.
That’s what I kept telling my friend. There aren’t any other words that can express how I feel about my current situation right now. I guess it’s either that or my life is very fucked up right now.

Yes, overwhelmed indeed.

PS. Excuse my french.

 

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