Wow, I can’t believe the things that are happening to me right now. They are all very surreal. I really can’t believe I’m voting for uncertainty and volatility just to catch a glimpse of that tiny flicker of happiness. I’m usually not up for anything that is very irrational or unpredictable. Honestly, I’m scared of doing the unpredictable. I’m pretty much content in my own comfort zone. So yes, this is a big move for me. Emotions are just clashing inside me. It feels as though there is a tornado inside my head, full of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Talk about the West Texas wind really getting into my system.
Despite all of the craziness and extremes I’m putting myself into, I really think that this is becoming a great opportunity for me to know who I am in the real world. This will certainly create a huge impact in my life. I have nothing but good vibes coming from it. I’m very excited about the turn of events, but at the same time, I’m terrified by thoughts of failure and regret.
Then again, I’m really impressed at how courageous and brave I’ve become. Look at me, I’m actually fighting for something that would potentially make me happy. It’s doesn’t feel like it’s something that I have to do. These things are just challenges and obstacles for me. In this road, I see hope and a bright future. What I had looks very grim and dark already.
It’s funny how I feel like I’ve suddenly become so selfish with my life – me seeking happiness and fulfilment. I try my best to never let thoughts like that cross my mind before since I just let my parents decide my life for me. Now, I feel as though I stood up and walked towards what I want. I know it’s going to be an uphill battle, but it’s something I want to experience, something I want to work for. Now, I can say that I made this decision for my own good and because it feels right.
With the current situation, my dad and I talk more frequently than normal. Every time I talk to him, it makes me just screw everything I want to do and go be miserable with the original plan. Every time I have that thought, I just think that this is what I want not because it’s right but it’s because this might make me happy. Then again, my parents are going through a lot right now because of this very abrupt decision I made. I feel selfish and guilty. It doesn’t really help too that my dad lists every single thing that he has to do, all the time he could have had, all the sacrifices he is about to do. I feel really guilty about how selfish I am to let my parents experience such an ordeal. I mean, it feels like they’re sacrificing their dreams for me, and they’re putting it over my head. I know that they mean well. But, I am becoming so unsuccessful lately that it’s not giving them justice. For example, I told my dad that I got a B in my 3rd test today. And you know what he said, “seems like everything is going downhill for you.” Thoughts in my head just keep pouring out. I just want to apologize to him on how I don’t think I can meet his expectations anymore. I don’t think I can live stressed out, knowing that I am never my best. I feel so guilty for having fun, for having the time of my life, for having an idea on what happiness feels like. I feel like it’s never enough, like I’m always going to be this person who has never reached her talents and potential.
Funny, I told my friend last that I wished that I was stupid and naive so that I don’t have to deal with any expectations from anyone. No one would look up to me. No one would want anything from me. I could just live a simple, blissful life.
I can’t believe I already have regrets at such a young age. But seriously, most of them are just because I didn’t follow my heart. I didn’t follow what I want or what makes me happy. All I did was sacrifice everything, thinking that it would make things a little easier. So yes, hopefully now that I am taking a chance with my heart then I would be a little happier.