Instead of bottling up my thoughts, I’ve decided to write them all down – gives me a certain kind of peace and release. And yes, I’ve been ranting on and on about how my life is crappy, and my entries have recently resembled conversations heard at pity parties.
But seriously though, I need a break – an escape of some sort. I need a vacation. I need to step back and revitalize myself. Honestly, I want to escape the pressures of expectations. These so-called expectations drain the life out of me. It’s slowly eating away logic and conscience. It lessens the real value of existence, if I were to relate to the Fisher equation. Expectations justify our way of thinking in a sense that it alludes us from the positive reality. It accentuates greed and superficialness. It destroys principles and morality.
I want to live life the way it should be. I want to feel free and calm. I want to do spontaneous, refreshing things. I want a breath of fresh air. Right now, I feel cluttered and limited. I feel restrained by some unknown force. But on an odd note, I feel like there’s something missing too. I don’t know. I feel like my energy is gradually draining as time goes. Yes, I would have outbursts of energy, but they would be random and sporadic. And, it only comes at such a short period of time. I’m not sure, but I think it may have something to do with my room/apartment. Silly as it may sound, I don’t think the arrangement of things feels right.
Then again, I’m doubting myself more frequently this past months. It’s driving me crazy. I feels as though I’m enveloped with the fear of making a single mistake. It feels like I’m fueled with such desire to achieve perfection that I’ve lost track of what it means to enjoy living in the moment. I have tricked my brain into thinking that nothing is enough, that there’s always something more. I have indulged myself in the anticipation and anxiety of attaining my very distant goals that it has paralyzed me from experiencing the beauty of the present.
A part of me is crying out that I should screw something up to reach ground zero, something that would take the pressure off. But at the same time, I’m scared to mess up because everything I want is almost within my reach. I know, I’m stressed. But, I still have no idea how to relieve myself of the torture is entails. I usually take stress positively, but this time around, it has gone a complete turn around.
I just really want a vacation. Maybe for a month? I want to hang out with people I’m completely comfortable with. I want to eat/drink with them. I know, I’ve been saying that I want to meet new, refreshing people. But, I’m actually too tired to even have the energy to be social. I want to feel at home with some friends and family.