Remember the time when you were constantly asked the question: “what do you actually want to do?” And for no apparent reason, you would draw up a complete blank. But after racking your brains (and heart) out trying to find the answer, you actually do realize what it is. And of course, you knew that it was going to be so hard and difficult changing the course of your entire life. Still, you went with it. You kept fighting and fighting to keep that dream alive. Even if it’s for that sliver of hope, you would do anything possible to keep it in sight. However, as time goes, it gets harder and harder to ignite the same flame over and over again. The limitations and confinement of not being able to do what you want is nerve racking.
It’s funny. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to my carefree days where I acted purely based on logic. I only do what I needed to do. I knew I can do anything I needed to do at a given time. Those were the days when I wanted absolutely nothing. Sad as it may sound, there wasn’t any reason to living life at that time. There wasn’t any point. For me, living was just a pain excruciating period. You might think that I didn’t have any direction in my life since I wanted nothing. Wrong. I did have a direction. Something that was already handed to me. All I had to do was follow it. Just do whatever you’re told, that’s what I did. Sometimes I wish I could just want nothing, and do everything everyone asks of me. Plain and simple.
But then, I realized what I wanted. And, what I want is completely different from what I need to be doing right now. Planning my immediate future, I wanted to do so many things. Now, they somehow plummeted to the big black pool of oblivion. I need to have that courage and bravery to step out from the shadows of what “they” want me to do. It’s proving very difficult right now because all I can think of are the limitations and challenges that I need to face to reach that dream. I just feel powerless due to the fact that I am confined to the duties and responsibilities I have. I’m probably being over dramatic by actually writing this whole thing down. But, I really just want to know and feel that my actual goals and dreams are going to come true, regardless.