It’s the first of January, and I just got back home from visiting my grandmother in the hospital. This is her third trip back to the hospital in a matter of 4 months. Last Christmas, we visited her at home, thinking she was on the road to full recovery. But apparently, she was admitted back in the hospital a couple of days ago. Sad. She just turned 80 last October. I can’t believe she’s already bed-ridden while I could still spend time and have lengthy conversations with another old lady who is 2 years older than she is. Again, sad.
But, the saddest part is that my grandmother posed an existentialistic question. She asked me if I was going to cry if she passes away. How should I answer such a rhetorical question? Of course, I would be deeply saddened by the loss. But, I’d rather not think such things. So, my mom told her to stay strong and live. However, my grandmother responded, “we all die anyway, why wait?” I couldn’t believe the intensity of this question brought about by the situation. An old woman who is practically skin and bones asked us this question. She was seriously considering giving up on life. She was refusing to eat. She complained about a lot of things. She forgot about a lot of things. On top of it all, she’s my grandmother. It was definitely something that caught me off-guard. I didn’t know how to react.
At the end, we tried to make her eat something. Tried to make her a little bit happier. Tried to do everything to give her meaning. When she asked me about the point of living, I answered, “we’re still alive because there’s still something that we need to take care of.” I honestly think that every single one of us is destined to do something. To create even the tiniest ripple in life in order to create a long lasting impact in the world.
It’s only the first of January, and I think I have realised a lot of things. Things that are not even mentioned in this entry. Things that are both depressing and liberating. Things that can make me somewhat a better person – or so I hope.