Am I proud with my life, so far?
I don’t know. It’s a question I’ve asked myself often since I am currently in the mix with very successful young people of my generation. Compared to them and their possibilities and opportunities, I am nothing. A 17-year old is highly rated because of all the recognition and popularity she gains. That and hard work. I mean, how can I compete with that? When I was 17 years old, I was dreaming of leaving my hometown to explore my possibilities. But for some reason, I feel like I blew it. I just thought that I could’ve never reached those kinds of heights. I never thought that I could be great someday. I feel like I’ve enjoyed a meaningless life that I haven’t worked hard for anything. Maybe some things but not all of it. I feel like I’ve wasted most of my life because I was comfortable in it. It’s just like what my new friend told me: some people just like lounging around in their own filth. Is that what I have become? Nothing but a creation of bad habits. A lifeless person who acknowledges nothing but the pure basic need of human survival. What does it mean to survive in our current world? What does it mean to be successful? What does everything mean? I came across a quote saying: “life isn’t about finding yourself, but it’s about creating yourself.” Am I happy with what I have created so far? I feel like it’s been a blank canvas so far. Nothing’s on it. Probably a couple of splatters from other people painting their own lives. I feel like I’m standing in front of a blank canvas, and I’m just staring at it. Letting my mind drift of to the possibilities of creating a very avant-garde masterpiece. But, how long will I let my mind drift? It’s been 21 years, and it’s still empty. Soon enough, my paintbrush will become stiff and coarse; my paint will run dry, and I will have nothing to paint with. It becomes so much harder as time goes by. I must act quickly. Just follow my heart, everyone tells me. But, what if the place where my heart is supposed to be is nothing but a huge black hole that sucks the life out of everything? Maybe my heart is just hiding behind my brain, shielding itself from the cruelty of reality.
This is not right. I have to start creating myself. I have to unleash the pure potential that my mind has been imagining for years now. I must let my heart step out from its shell and break through. I have to trust myself. I want to be proud of myself someday. I have nothing to lose.