Cruelty of Desire.

As of right now, I am feeling extremely anti-social. I don’t want to be associated with anyone. I want to do my own things. Reflect on life for a little bit. Maybe it’s the pressure and excitement that’s rendering me helpless to socialize. Maybe it’s just that I’m sick and tired to plaster on thick make-up across my face whenever I’m going to social events. I’m tired of trying to look happy. I want to find myself again. I need to find who I am. I need a break from people. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I’m still single. I think I have proven it to myself that I am capable of having a boyfriend. However, I haven’t found the right one yet. The ones with potential end up leaving me, anyway. Excuses, excuses. That’s what I give them and myself. Excuses just so I wouldn’t expose the true nature of my melancholia. Excuses just so they can move on properly. Excuses just so people would think I never cared. Excuses to make me look stronger, tougher, nonchalant. But honestly, I did care. I do miss them. I do long for their companionship. The only challenge I pose on people who want me is that I want them to know me transparently.

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