Last night, I had a dream about Viktor. Again. I was so keen on falling in like with James that I seriously had forgotten about Viktor. This created pure irony in the pits of stomach.
My recollection of the dream is rather blurry so bare with me…
I was in an apartment. A place where I’ve never been in the real world. But apparently, I was staying there. The place was fairly bright. All the walls were painted white. I had blue/black furniture. My bed, too, was blue/black. My bedroom door is ajar. I was inside my bedroom with Jake, I think. We were just fooling around. Talking and playing childish games. Nothing too “R.”After having a bit of fun, I went out into the living room to check my laptop. Lo and behold, Viktor called me on skype. We were talking. We were chatting. I was very surprised that he called me. But, I was still enjoying it at the same time. While we were virtually talking, someone was knocking at my door. I went up to it. Opened it. And, there he was. Viktor. He surprised me, yet again. We hugged. I hugged him tighter. My emotions were at an unusual high. I was on the verge of tears. But, for some reason, I wasn’t crying. I was just happy. Although, the feelings and emotions felt like they were still bottled up inside me. They felt latched inside a box that hasn’t opened yet. But still, I felt those emotions go wild inside that box when Viktor and I were hugging. I told him that I was going to cry because I always picture myself being tremendously happy seeing him after all these years. I don’t know why but I still kept hugging him. Until, I woke up. And, every little bit of it was gone.
I opened my eyes thought about the dream. Thought about how I must have still been missing him. Thought about how I might like James now, but he might never reach what Viktor and I had. I also wondered if these dreams of Viktor coming back will ever make its way into existence. Will it happen in real life? After years and years of not seeing him, he will – one day – show up at my doorstep. Surprising me. With all of my emotions growing crazy and wild the moment I see him. Going speechless. Everything inside, ready to burst out in the open. Am I still in love with Viktor? Or do I just love him? Or is this just guilt about moving on to James? I have no clue, whatsoever. I want to get into my subconscious, and ask her: why do I still keep dreaming of Viktor?